to teach or not to teach

Okay, Internet, it is time for a venting via the blog.

If you know me at all, you know that I've struggled with my decision to become a teacher since, well, the decision was made my sophomore year at ACU. Growing up, I went through career choices as quickly as I did fashion trends (6th grade - No Fear shirts and umbros, 7th grade - sunflower vests and Dexters, 8th grade - knee highs and Mary Janes...Lindsay, can I hear an amen?). I have considered being a news anchor (what?!), an interior designer, an author, a car dealer (this idea I actually stuck with all throughout high school...obviously, like any normal teenager, I had a skewed view of myself). The list could go on and on.

But my mom would tell you that no matter what idea I had at the moment about what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would always readily admit that I would NEVER be a teacher. So how is it that I find myself in this place? Was it the easiest route, the only thing that seemed to fit, the means to an end of being a stay-at-home wife and mom? Sure, I love kids, and I LOVE summer--sounds good to me, sign me up.

So, here I am, in my third year of teaching still doubting that decision I tearfully made one day in my dad's office to change my major (for the 3rd time) to Education. I want to love teaching, I really do. I know and see so many who are meant for this and are fantastic at answering their "calling" to teach. I have loved my students (maybe "only liked" a few) :), and I can see the good in what I do and have done in my time in the classroom. But, I feel as though I am trying to force something that maybe shouldn't be. I also don't want to be a failure or disappointment to anyone. Maybe five years of feeling a "no" is simply that--a "no."

And I think I finally know why I feel this way.

This week I attended a bible study at our church. The study was on the Parable of the Talents, from Matthew 25. I am sure you are familiar... a master gives each of his servants a certain amount of talents, or money. Two of the servants double the amount they were given and the master tells them that they did a job well done. The other buries his and saves it, but is told he is lazy. (There is even some gnashing of teeth, which always makes for a great story.) God gives us all various "talents", abilities, resources, etc. to USE. We are not to bury them for safe keeping or hide them away until next year or even ignore their existence altogether, which is, I'm afraid, what I have been doing a little of lately, maybe even for a long time.

BUT, in less than 2 months, an amazing thing is going to happen that will allow me to step back, take a break from teaching and focus on one important ability that I know the Lord planned just for me. I will get to put all of my love and attention into one very sweet and special little baby girl who belongs to Kevan and me (!), and not have to spread myself thin among 54 children who belong to others. I hope to discover and uncover some of my God-given abilties and resources as I learn how to be her mother and a better wife for Kevan. And, who knows, once I get that figured out, I may just be able to reveal and actually put to good use some of my creative abilities for the benefit of my little family. Of course, I will always do what is needed of me to contribute to the care of our family--having money is, afterall, a good thing. But, I am determined to find my place.

This classroom, just recently emptied of 26 ten-year-olds all of whom were way too ready for the weekend, just isn't it. And that is okay.

"If you have a talent, use it in every which way possible. Don't hoard it. Don't dole it out like a miser. Spend it lavishly like a millionaire intent on going broke." ~Brendan Francis