growing up is hard to do

Last night we had about an hour drive home, and it was just me and the girls in the car. About ten minutes into the drive, August started crying and was worked into a full screaming cry not long after. I realized I had left the paci at home, but when August is that mad, she usually just spits it out anyway. Merit and I were handing over everything we could think of to calm her down...toys, books, Kevan's sunglasses, my wallet...all to no avail. After August had been crying for almost 30 minutes, Merit said, "Mama, you should sing her a lullaby." 

Frustrated and trying to concentrate on the construction that had backed up traffic, I said, "Merit, that's not going to work. I'm sorry, I just can't do that right now." 

More minutes passed with poor August in hysterics. 

"Okay. Sing with me, Merit." 

We started to sing "Tender Shepherd", a song my mama had sung to me and one I now sing to my babies. We sang it over and over maybe fifteen times.

"Tender Shepherd. Tender Shepherd. Watches over His sheep at night..."

August slowly went from a screaming cry to a whimper. I heard Merit from the back seat. 

"Mama! It's working!" 

I told her what a great idea she had, and then I started singing other lullabies, in the same order that I used to sing through them when I would rock Merit as a baby: "Jesus Loves Me", "You Are My Sunshine", "Merit is a Pretty Little Girl", "Tender Shepherd", and "Bicycle Built for Two." As I sang, I still heard some crying, although I thought August had gone to sleep miles ago. I stopped to discover that it was Merit who was crying. 

"Merit, what's the matter? Why are you crying?"

"Those songs make me cry, Mama." 

"Why do they make you cry?"

"I don't know, but will you keep singing?"

So, through my own tears I kept singing until we pulled into our driveway.

It was as though she knew there was an emotional attachment to those songs, but her three-year-old self couldn't quite comprehend why they were affecting her like that. What a sweet heart that girl has. Her baby days are gone, and I think we both know that although it is a very good thing to grow up (and indeed, to add new little loves to our family), we do miss those days. 

Just me and her in the rocking chair.

February 2009